The Long Drive
January 01, 2008, 4:09 a.m.
I know I haven't written in forever, and that this is an odd thing to start in with after all this time, but I just need to chronicle this.
I drove home all by myself. I'll wait for that to sink in.
I know, I'm almost 21, and I'm proud of driving home by myself. It's pretty weird, huh? But I was 19 when I drove for the first time, and I don't practice very much, so I'm still quite a new driver. I should practice more. Philip tells me all the time- it's one of the few things we fight about repeatedly. But I just hate and fear driving so much. I mean, cars really freak me out. And being in control of one... well, I don't feel very in control, I guess. Also, Philip can be really terrible to drive with. He responds to EVERY mistake by yelling, although any nervous inexperienced driver could tell you that yelling just startles you and is not a good way to convey information. And of course, on some level, I know that we're just stuck in a negative feedback loop where he yells because he's frustrated at me for not driving more and I avoid driving more because I hate the yelling. I also know that if I just sucked it up and drove more that I would get better and there would be fewer mistakes to cause the yelling, but it's hard...
I'm totally off track. I don't want this to be a depressing entry about learning to drive. I want to record an accomplishment.
So, basically, I don't drive much. Or well. Haha. But Philip needed to leave for a business trip of sorts, and he decided that I should go with him to the air force base and then drive home. Then we found out that their departure time was 3am- so I'd be driving home, alone, at 2:30am. On New Year's Day. With all the drunks.
Would anyone like to guess how excited I wasn't? I was really, really, not excited. In fact, as we stayed up getting ready to leave, I got more and more nervous until I felt sick. I even asked Philip to drive to the base because I wanted to read my google maps directions over and over and over like the compulsive that I am.
We were both drifting off while he was driving towards the base, and I think Philip realized for the first time how tired I was. And he said that maybe he should have just driven to base and left the car there for two weeks.
Well, duh. Of course he should have. I mean, why would you send your inexperienced driver home at night, risking life, limb, and automobile, when you know she's not going to use the car? I mean, I'm going home to visit my parents while he's away because I think it will be nice to see them without Philip for an extended period of time. (Not that I don't love having Philip come with me, just that they're my family, and not his, and I can't really ask him to be as excited about my home town as I am. It's not his home town). And now, I'm going to have to drive to base to pick him up which is almost as intimidating as driving home. I just assumed that he KNEW it made more sense to leave the car at base. I assumed he was making me drive home to... I dunno, prove that I could.
I'm off track again. The point is, he told me that he wished maybe he hadn't made me drive home. And you know what? When he said it, I just thought "you know, I've been wishing all week that you'd decide not to make me drive home, but I'm glad that you didn't, because I'm going to be proud of myself when I've done it". And that attitude is, for me, an accomplishment by itself. Avoidance has always been my problem.
So, long story made somewhat shorter, I drove home. I went obnoxiously slowly for long stretches of it because I was so afraid of missing an exit, and I got sort of lost twice, but I did it. And I didn't get into any accidents. The first time I got "lost" it turns out that I wasn't really lost at all, I just thought I was. I was on S. Capital Street, and I was supposed to get onto the highway, but I didn't. And I didn't realize it at first. But I it turns out that S. Capital St. rejoins that highway anyway, and by the time I got back onto 495 it was just in time for the exit I wanted. So I didn't actually have to do anything but drive straight. Later I did actually miss a turn and I had to go find a residential street to turn around in, and then when I was trying to turn left out of that residential area I made a HUGE mistake. I didn't see taht the road was divided, so I turned onto what I THOUGHT was the right lane, but what was actually the right most lane on the left side of the road. So I was DRIVING ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE STREET.
I am a retarded driver. Seriously. I had to back up into the intersection and drive around the divider. I wanted to cry because I knew the mistake I had made was so bad. Luckily, because it was almost 3am in a residential area, there was no one there. I still felt horrible, because I know that if there had been people there that could have been a huge accident. On the other hand, though, I don't think I actually could have made that mistake if there had been other people there. I mean, for one thing, if it had been daytime there would have been daylight and I would have seen the divider. I only missed it because it was dark. For another, the lane I turned into would have been full of cars. I would have seen them. I don't want to sound like I'm rationalizing, but I just don't think a person could make that mistake in the daylight.
After that, the drive was pretty uneventful. Well, actually, when I pulled up to the security gate at my complex I didn't get close enough to swipe my security pass so I had to put the car in park and open the door and lean way out. And there were totally people behind me. I mean, seriously, there was NO ONE on the road the whole time I was circling around the area and then as soon as I pull up to the gate two cars materialize behind me. To watch me fumble with the security pass. That made me feel retarded. I don't think it's counts as a driving mistake, though.
Whew! Longer entry than I thought it would be. In conclusion, I'm proud of myself. I'm not a great driver, but I faced down something that scared me. I also thought on my feet which is one of those driving skills that everyone but me seems to have, and I'm just thrilled to pieces to know that when I have to improvise, I can. I guess it's a skill you can't use unless you need to, so you just have to hop you have it. Basically, I wasn't prepared at all to drive a strange route home alone in the middle of the night but I did it anyway because I had to and I ROCK.
I'm still intimidated to drive back out to the base to pick Philip up, but I'll do it, I guess. Hmm... unless I can get dad to do it. Oh! Maybe Dad will stay here that day and come with me to pick Philip up if I suggest we all have dinner together. Is that too transparent? I did say avoidance was my problem. Maybe I should just start steeling myself for the drive now. I mean, the roads will be more crowded, that will suck, but I'll also have daylight and I won't be so tired. Hopefully.
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