In Which I Make No Effort
October 26, 2006, 11:12 p.m.
I'm not trying.
I'm not trying in school. I don't know what's wrong. I need to get it together, though, or my grades will suffer. I basically didn't do shit this week. I made a few lame efforts, and sat in front of the computer and made little colored squares and dragged them all over the screen and tried to convince myself that I was "designing". I didn't clean. I didn't read.
I barely thought.
I'm not depressed- I know that feeling. Or rather, lack of any feeling. I saw Philip, and I had fun with him. I loved being around him, like always. I'm trying within the context of my relationship.
I worked the opening shift, and I worked hard, and I had fun. I'm trying within the context of my job.
Just not at school. And the first step to fixing that is figuring out what's wrong. Worst case scenario, I'm repressing feelings of inadequacy and avoiding having to deal with them by simply removing myself from competition. Sometimes I do feel like I lack the talent some of my classmates have, and I can see how avoiding comparison would be tempting. But I am, essentially, drawn towards competition- I don't avoid it. And among the things I did not do this week was my academic research. I'm the star of that class, so that can't be repressed fear of failure.
Maybe it’s the fact that thinking about this weekend is stressing me out instead of making me feel relaxed. I don’t want to play in that tournament. I don’t want to work Saturday. I don’t wanna!
Am I just tired? I might be. I've been working very, very hard. Maybe I really do just need time to get over my (perpetual) cold, cook some healthy meals, and sleep. Probably? That is part of it. But when I'm really committed, I'm a driven person. I have limitless energy for the things I care about, and I suspect something deeper must be going on with school. Something making it harder to care.
Maybe it's because I have made some mistakes. My goal for the semester was straight As. It still is my goal, but since the Modernism midterm went badly and I messed up that Type project it seems impossible. I know I have high As in Color Theory and Modernism. I should have no problem knocking those out. I presently have a B in Graphic Design, but I think I can pull that up. But with Modernism, what if I bomb so badly that I can't pull it up to an A? What if I can't get an A in type, no mattter how hard I work from now on? I guess that's part of what's bothering me.
That already, right now, halfway through the semester, I might already have missed my goal. So how do I pull it together and finish this thing up when I might be working for something I see as less than success? I guess that if I got one B, although not two, I don't think, that would still be pretty good. But I've defined my goal, and that's not it. Nothing less than my goal is success. It's just the best failure. EDIT: Ok, we had to do this project for color theory where we redsigned labels for giant cans and bla bla bla. We're making soup labels, but I didn't want giant cans of soup, so I bought chef Boyardee cans. They only had one raviolli, so I bought one beefy-something-weird sounding. Because I'm not motivated anymore, I was placing my labels on my cans (haha) shortly before class. Therefore, I was in a rush. Therefore, I stuffed the old labels in my bag in a hurry and therefore I have forgotten which can has which food in it. I want raviolli for dinner, so I am presently shaking the cans to see which one sounds more like raviolli. Stick around to see how great my blind pasta identification skills are! EDIT- The Remix: BWA HA HA! Houston, we have RAVIOLLI!
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