I'm Just Being Pissy Because My Crit Went Badly and I Don't Want to Play in the Tournament, Ignore Me
October 23, 2006, 10:41 a.m.
I don't really know what to say. I haven't had internet in my apartment for ages, and since my laptop broke, I can't even use it to write entries at Philip's place. A lot of tihngs I've wanted to write baout have happened, and I still want to note them. But right now, I happen to be at school. In typography class. And my critique? Was not so wonderful.
I just don't know what to say. I tried so, so hard. And I really thought I had this one. But I screwed up, just a little bit, right at the end. And yeah, my computer is broken and every single color printer at school is broken, but ultimately this is my fault, and only my fault. It sucks that things sort of conspired to leave me in a situation with no leeway, and it's unfortunate that I had no chance to correct mistakes I could have corrected if only one or two things had changed. But it's also unfortunate that I didn't do everything I should have in the way I should have, because if I had, everything would be fine. I'm not my biggest fan today.
Anyway, Philip and I went to the Ren Fest on Saturday. (Which was not a selfish waste of time, because I needed to get my computer home, and once I was home I couldn't use it). I loved it, and I think Philip liked it, which is really good. We saw Midsummer Night's Dream, and jousting, and this really impressive glassblower. We walked around and saw all the vendors. I got my favorite Ren Fest food, and Philip had a sparse and overpriced funnel cake- which I'm sure was good, because everything covered with powdered sugar is good, whether it's overpriced and sparse or not.
This weekend, I have to work on Satrday, which really stinks. I do not want to have to work on Saturday, ever. I'm going to change my hours of availability as soon as I'm allowed (which is not particularly soon). That'll be the semester break. Hopefully, I won't have to work Saturday many times (or EVER) between now and then. I've been working for a couple of months now and this is the first time they've made me do it. Maybe that means it's rare.
Before I work on Saurday, though, I'm going to the comic shop to play in a Warmachines tournament. I'm really not looking forward to it. I'm really only doing it to make Philip happy. Of course, I made him promise that if I do this one, I don't have to do the next one- so he'll have no right to pressure me AT ALL even one bit next time. At least that will be some small relief.
I like being at the comic shop, and playing when I play, but I feel like Philip is always pressuring me to like it more. I don't want to spend a ton of money building up a huge army and then play it against people I don't like hanging out with just to make him happy. I mean, it's a hobby. It's just for fun. If doing that doesn't strike me as being fun, why would I do it? This is just kind of a sore subject for me right now. I just don't like to talk to most of the people there. Actually, generally speaking, I hate people and all interaction with them. I'm really quite conversational with the comic shop people by comparison. And that's also part of why I hate being pushed to be more outgoing with them. Does he seriously think I'm going to just strike up a conversation with someone there, and suggest a game? And then just hang out with them and play for hours? Why on earth would I ever do that? Does that sound at all like something it would even occur to me to do, or something I would enjoy? Have I ever done anything in my entire life to indicate that I might think pick up games with virtual strangers would be fun? Or, in fact, anything more mild than MISERABLE?
Ok, I'm done bitching. I am. I know that I like hanging out with Philip because I know him, and that if I knew the other people there I might like them too. I know that to get to that point with people I have to force unnatural behavior and just... suck it up and suffer for awhile. I'm bad at reaching out. I guess what it comes down to is that I don't know if I see the point. I'm not overly social. I have Philip, and a couple other friends. I don't need any more friends. I don't even really want any more friends, because all that ever happens is that I forget to call or talk to them and they get irritated and we lose touch. Friends are just extra connections to juggle. I guess that sounds cold, but really.
And a part of me is really starting to resent being pushed to form these pointless connections. It's not like I sit around sculking making him miserable while we're there. Well, he says I don't always look happy, but as far as I know I only look unhappy while he's trying to make me do something I don't want to do. And I guess, in a way, they're his friends. I guess I should be trying to reach out just to connect with the people he connects with. I guess I should try to think of this that way. Instead of thinking of it as this jackass thing Philip does where he makes it sound like I'm not assertive when in fact I am being VERY assertive about my lack of intention to reach out to strangers and what he's actually trying to do is make me actually become a total pussy who does whatever he wants her to, I coudl think of it as trying to make friends with his friends. It's just too bad they aren't all more like Boyd. Not that Boyd ever talks to me, but that's pretty much what I like in a friend anyway.
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