Bite Me
2006-04-24, 11:12 p.m.
I don't really know what to do. I don't even know what to feel.
Philip and I got into a stupid argument, where we actually both yelled and he got kind of person, about something incredibly stupid. But that was hours ago. And this is now. So, why am I still upset? Because we spent a whole lot of the intervening hours not talking. Not in an "I'm not talking to you!" kind of way, just in a passive agressive, something bad has happened, I don't want to/I don't know how to be the first one who breaks the silence kind of way. So, my day pretty much sucked.
I mean, class sucked. And then I got right back on the metro (with no detox time, no time to myself, nothing) just to come back here and see Philip. What a waste.
Right now, I should be in bed. But he lay down, far from me, and just said "good night". No I love you, no nothing. Eventually I went over to snuggle up, and he acted surprised. Then he pushed me off and rolled over.
So, I moved over, I cried a little bit, I blew my nose and I got out of bed. Fine, don't want to sleep with me? I don't want to sleep with you, Mr. I'll shut down your computer without even considering what data might be lost and tell you that you don't know how to have a discussion without even considering that I'm the only one who's making it personal and therefore that perhaps MY discussion skills are not above criticism.
I'll stay up all night. __________________ Ok, an update. Earlier, he was fidgeting more then I think he usually does (I say think because most of the time he's asleep, I'm asleep, and so I don't have a huge body of observed data). I was hoping the guilt was getting to him, but now I think it's more likely it was just itchy blanket. Dissapointing. I'm not as depressed or miserable as I would think I'd be, sitting here alone in the dark rejected by my boyfriend, but I'm (obviously) not thrilled either. I wonder why he never pursues me. I usually don't want a boyfriend who pursues me, and I would never really ask for one. I mean, I want the freedom to say things like "I want to be alone for a minute" and not have someone think I mean "please shower me with attention", and I know that speaking in Secret Girl Code and harboring Secret Girl Expectations of pusuit would destroy my chance of being seen as a non-game-playing girl and therefore my chance to say things and have them taken at ace value. But, really, am I so wrong for wishing that he'd maybe noticed that I'd been really upset, and gotten up to be with me? Especially since I did go over to snuggle him, and I did get the cold shoulder. I didn't snub him and then get mad at him for not reaching out, I reached out first. It would feel nice to get an effort back. I wish he'd heard me crying, and reacted. But it's not like I cried just to get his attention, I'm just tired and frustrated and upset and it happens. Uck. I don't know if I should go to bed, or not. Part of me wants to stay up all night. If he doesn't want me there, I don't want to be there. But part of me is all, "Now, Hallie, are your delicate sensibilities really so offended that you can't bring yourself to sleep in a man's bed after he's hurt your feelings that you absolutely cannot do it, or do you want to stay up all night to spite him?" That mature, if obnoxious, inner voice goes on to remind me that if it is spiting I'm after, that it probably won't work. I'll be dog-tired in class and he won't notice because he will have been asleep during the time I was delivering his retributive cold-shoulder. So, crap.
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